The Horrible Romanciness of Doom
by NikTaylor42
Summary: A wise human once said, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." He was right, though it would have been better worded here as: "A psychotic alien with a Napolean complex trips over a gallon of orange juice, and somehow he and the borderline schizophrenic kid who he thought was his mortal enemy get together because of it." But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
1. Chapter 1

_A wise human once said, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."_

_He was absolutely right, though it would have been better worded (in this case) as: "A psychotic alien with a Napolean complex trips over a gallon of orange juice, and somehow he and the borderline schizophrenic kid who he thought was his mortal enemy get together because of it."_

_But let's not get ahead of ourselves._

…~…

"AAAAAAAAGHHH!"

Zim lay on the floor where he had fallen, clutching his foot in agony. "STUPID, STINKING, SMELLY, ORANGE, HUMAN BEEEEVVVEERAAAGEEEE! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOUUUUUUUUU! "

"WHEEE!" Gir shrieked. "WE'RE SCREAMING!"

"GIR!" Zim sat up and held up the cursed object. "What was THIS doing in the middle of the floor?"

Gir looked around the kitchen, as if searching for the answer to the question. "Erm…I dunnnnooooooo…"

"Gir! Answer!"

The robot suddenly perked up. "Ooops! Sorry, master, I gotta go. My show's on!" It zipped out of the kitchen, leaving Zim with the juice.

Zim growled something in Irken, then walked over to the refrigerator. He flung open the door. The sight of three hundred or so packets of bacon greeted him. He repeated the Irken phrase, this time at a considerably higher volume than before, and began trying to fit the juice in amidst the meat. As he did so, he tried to remember what it was he had been thinking about before encountering the evil orange spawn of doom. His plan, of course. But what was it? It had been a great plan, he knew. A well thought-out, thoroughly evil plan. It had been amazing, completely foolproof.

And he couldn't for the life of him remember what the hell it was.

He suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to bang his head against the wall. So he did. It didn't help.

"GIIIIIRRR!"

Zim shoved the juice in the refrigerator, slammed the door shut immediately after, and marched into the living room. "Gir!"

Gir looked up. "Hi, master!"

"Do you know what you have DONE?"

"Noooo…"

"You, by leaving that smelly orange liquid-drink for me to trip over, have made me COMPLETELY

FORGET MY PLAN!"

"YAY!" Gir cheered.

"No, Gir. That's _bad._ And I am EXTREMLY VERY NOT HAPPY WITH YOU!" Zim glared at the little robot, hands on his hips. Gir gazed at him innocently.

"Want some taquitos?" he finally asked, holding out the tray.

"NO!" Zim knocked the tray to the floor. "I want my plan! I _need_ my plan! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH WITHOUT A PLAN?"

Gir's eyes filled with tears. "Mah…mah taquitos…" he whispered, looking sadly at his fallen snacks.

"GIR!" Zim yelled, then, "…Gir?"

Gir suddenly began to cry. "MAH TAQUITOS!" He threw himself to the floor.

Zim made an irritated sound. "All right, all right!" He knelt to the floor and picked up the taquitos, putting them back on the plate. He tapped Gir's head impatiently. "There, it's fixed."

Gir stopped crying, looked at the plate of taquitos, and flung his arms around Zim's neck.

"Aaaghh!" Zim tried desperately to extricate himself from the robot's hug, but failed miserably. Gir finally let go.

"Will you watch the movie with meeee?" Gir asked sweetly.

"No, Gir, I have to go down the lab and think of a new PLAN."

Gir began wailing again. Zim let out an exasperated sigh. "Look, Gir, I can't just –"

"WAAAHHH!"

He tried again. "I can't –"

"WAAAHHH!"

"I have to –"

"WAAAHHH!"

"I –"

"WAAAHHH!"

"FINE!"

"YAY!"

Gir jumped up onto the couch and patted the seat next to him. Zim sat. "Taquitos?" Gir asked, offering him the plate once more. Zim started to refuse, then thought better of it, and took one. He looked it over. It had dust on it from the floor. Gir gazed at him expectantly. After a brief hesitation, he popped it into his mouth. Chewed. Swallowed.

"You liiiiiiiike it?" Gir inquired.

"It's okay–"

"HAVE SOME MORE!" He upended the entire plate on Zim's head.

Zim was about to threaten Gir with certain death, or the robot equivalent, when something on the TV caught his eye. Happy music was playing in the background, but what the two humans were doing to each other onscreen definitely did not warrant happy music.

"They're…they're EATING each other!"

"Awww," Gir cooed. "They're kissing."

"She's eating his face off!"

_"Kissing!"_

"Why isn't he running away? Why isn't he struggling? Run, man! Run before she DEVOURS YOU!"

The humans on screen pulled away from each other. "Oh, Edward! I love you so much!" the woman exclaimed.

"And I love you, Bella," the man, presumably Edward, answered.

"Love?" Zim wondered. "What is 'love'?"

"Baby, don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! No more!" Gir sang out.

"Gir! What is this 'love' of which they speak?"

"It's when you like someone a WHOLE lot, and you hugs 'em and kisses 'em and gives 'em flowers and wants to be with 'em forever and ever."

Zim stared at him. "That sounds…stupid."

"I will do whatever you say!"

He whirled around. "What's this?"

The woman on screen continued, "I will follow you to the end of the earth! I will kill all of your enemies! I will construct any and all sandwiches you can imagine! As long as you promise to love me as much as I love you, I will be your slave for eternity!"

"Um…ok. I promise."

"OH, EDWARD!" They began kissing once more.

"That's…ingenious," Zim whispered. "It's brilliant! AMAZING!"

"BACON!" Gir cheered.

"I have a NEW plan!" Zim announced, springing off the couch. "I will kiss the humans and make them fall in LOVE with me, thus making them my SLAVES! Oh, it's just BRILLIANT! WONDERFUL!"

"What the HELL are you doing, BITCH?"

"Heh?" Zim said, turning.

A man had walked onscreen. He did not look happy. "Edward? What's going on here? Who is this?"

"Um…this is Bella," Edward answered, looking uncomfortable.

"Why is she kissing you?"

"Um…well…you see…I…"

"Edward?" Bella asked. "What's going on? What's Jacob talking about?"

"Um…I…uh…"

"I can't BELIEVE it!" Jacob screamed. "You're CHEATING on me!"

"Look, Jacob, this isn't what it looks like…"

"Wait, you and…Jacob?" Bella inquired. "You were cheating on me with JACOB?"

"Well –"

"You BASTARD!"

"Look, I –"

"I thought we HAD something!"

"We do! I –"

"I thought you LOVED me!"

"I do! I love –" he looked around nervously, "both of you…"

"Oh, bullshit!" Jacob sneered.

"Let's kill him, Jacob!" Bella declared, pulling a hatchet out of her pants.

"Let's!" Jacob answered, pulling a chainsaw out of his own.

Zim winced at the carnage that followed.

Gir clapped. "Yaaaay! Violence!" He shoved several taquitos into his mouth.

"Damn," Zim hissed. "I knew an amazing plan like this was too good not to have a catch. So I'll have to pick just one human to be my slave… or I'll end up like _him_." The _him _in question was now cut up into bloody chunks, which Bella and Jacob were blithely tossing into a nearby sewer.

"But who should I choose?" he mused, pacing the floor. "I'll have to choose wisely…" He paused, thinking. "It's too bad I got rid of Keef. He would have been a perfect candidate for this."

"What about Dib?" Gir inquired.

"What _about_ Dib?"

"For your plan!"

"What?" Zim sputtered. "Are you INSANE? … don't answer that question."

"He seems nice."

"_Nice? Dib? Think_, Gir! Think with your brains!"

"But I don't have any," Gir replied.

"Well, then think with whatever you have in place of brains!"

"This taco?" the robot answered, pulling a taco from his head.

"Yes," Zim answered after a pause. "Think with…that taco."

"Hmmm..." Gir tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I still think Dib's a good choice." He took a bite out of his taco.

"The _Dib_," Zim muttered. "The DIB! Why on Irk would I choose my arch-nemesis as my love-pig? That doesn't make any –" He stopped suddenly, staring into space. "No, wait!" he continued. "It DOES make sense! It makes BRILLIANT sense! Gir, you're a genius!"

"Yay!"

"I will make Dib my romance-slave, and in doing so, earn a valuable minion and eliminate my greatest threat! HA! YES! IT'S AMAZING! I must inform the Tallest of my incredible PLAN!"

Zim hopped into the trashcan and slid down the tube to his base. "COMPUTER!" he screeched.

"Yeah, yeah, what do you want?" the computer replied.

"Open a line of communication from me to the Tallest. AND QUICKLY!"

"Mm, okay," it answered. There was a low hum, then, "Sorry, can't do it."

"WHY NOT?" Zim demanded.

"The Tallest aren't responding. Guess they're busy."

"Busy? With what?"

The computer emitted a heavy sigh. "How should I know 'with what'? They just _are_."

"Damn! Well, I suppose there'll be time to tell them later. GIR!"

Gir jumped off Zim's head and stood at attention. "Yes, master!" His eyes glowed red.

"I will need to learn more about this…love thing before carrying out my plan, so I want you to gather informative broadcasts for me to study."

Gir's eyes turned blue again. "Romance movies!"

Zim waved at him dismissively. "Yes, yes, very well. We will watch…romance movies."

"Yaaay!"

"Now, bring back as many as you can find. And hurry, GIR! THERE IS MUCH WORK TO BE DONE!"

Gir screamed with pure joy.

...~...

"ENOUGH!"

Zim hit the pause button on the remote. "I am done watching this. Two days is plenty."

"Aww…." Gir gestured to the piles and piles of DVDs by the door. "But we still have 3,979,502 left!"

"You can watch them, Gir. I'm finished."

"Yay!"

Zim got up from the couch. "I am leaving now, Gir."

Gir glanced at the clock. "But, it's –"

"SILENCE! You will watch the base while I'm gone. Don't let anyone in. Do you understand?"

"Okeedokee!"

"Good." He opened to door. "I'll be back."

Gir giggled manically.

He shut the door.

...~...

_There should be a law against running a 'Mysterious Mysteries' marathon this late, _Dib thought.

"Can't…watch…anymore," he moaned, sprawled across the couch, eyes slowly closing. "Too…tired…cannot…keep…eyes…open!"

"Shut up!" Gaz snapped, frantically pushing buttons on her game console.

Dib opened his left eye. "Oouuuchh," he continued. "My brain…so weary…from…television –ow!" He rubbed his shin.

"I said shut up," Gaz repeated.

"Dad!" Dib yelled. "She kicked me!"

"Be nice to your brother, Gaz," Professor Membrane replied, not looking up from his work.

"Whatever," Gaz mumbled.

The doorbell rang.

"Someone get the door," Membrane called.

Dib nudged Gaz. "You do it."

Gaz turned away. The doorbell rang again. "Somebody!" the professor repeated. Dib sighed, got up, and opened the door.

And came face to face with Zim.

"ZIM!"

"I am Zim!" Zim confirmed.

"What do you want?" Dib snarled.

"I have an announcement!"

Dib sighed. "Look, Zim, it's 1:00 AM –"

"I LOVE YOU!"

"That's great, Zim, I really don't –wait, what?"

"I love you," he repeated. He suddenly produced a bouquet of flowers from behind his back, offered them to Dib, and knelt. "And I always have."

Dib stared at him. "Is this one of those 'Candid Camera' things?" He looked around. "Are you recording this?"

"There are no cameras, _Dib!"_ Zim leapt to his feet, grabbing Dib by the collar and pulling his face close, until they were mere inches apart. "There's just…us."

Dib began to feel lightheaded. "Um," he managed to say, "I think –"

"SILENCE!" Zim laid a finger across Dib's lips. "I am sick of your voice."

And with that, he threw his arms around Dib's neck and kissed him.


	2. Chapter 2

_I hate Zim,_ Dib told himself as they kissed. _I hate him._

It wasn't working.

Why couldn't he, damn it? Why couldn't he just hate Zim? It would make his life a hell of a lot easier. But _no_. He had to be stupid. He had to make things difficult for himself. Put simply? Dib knew three things.

One: Zim was an alien.

Two: Not only was he an alien, he was an invader from a highly militaristic species intent of conquering the galaxy, and, more to the point, Earth.

And three: No matter how ridiculous, how utterly _stupid_ it was, no matter how many good reasons there were to feel the exact opposite –Dib was in love with Zim. Irresponsibly, irrevocably, and idiotically.

'Forbidden love.' It's a very popular concept. Romeo and Juliet, and all that. Stories of people who were not, repeat not, under any circumstances, never in a million years to fall in love with a certain person, yet ended up doing so anyway.

Story of Dib's life.

A sad, sad, tale, true, but that was how it was for Dib. He'd never really had any friends, and family hadn't been a strong point for him, either – his dad was rarely home, and Gaz was –well, Gaz. As for his love life, he'd never really had one, save for his short-lived crush on the pretty girl who had, for some reason, taken up residence in his toilet, and later was discovered to be a demonic ninja ghost from the world beneath the overworld.

And Tak. But that was another story entirely, and one he didn't feel like thinking about at the moment.

But then came that day. That fateful Tuesday when he walked into Mrs. Bitters' classroom and saw that the usually unoccupied seat by the door had been taken by a strange-looking boy who was trying his best to wrestle an odd device from the clutches of the large bully sitting behind him. He didn't know what it had been –the green skin (oddly attractive, almost exotic), the dangerous glint in his purple eyes (danger was sexy), the scene-chick attire (perhaps pink was masculine where he came from?) or his futile attempts at getting back his device (which consisted of jumping to grab the object, held far out of reach, and screaming death threats at the top of his lungs), but all Dib could think about was one thing: This new kid was a freak. An outcast, just like him. So maybe –just maybe –they could be friends. Dib didn't dare let himself imagine them becoming something more than that, though he couldn't help but admit that it was an enticing prospect, no matter how unlikely. So enticing, in fact, that he was of half a mind to just say 'screw it, I'll imagine it all I damn well please.'

And then, of course, Paranormal Investigator Dib had to speak up.

Paranormal Investigator Dib: DIB! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! _THAT'S AN ALIEN!_

Lonely, I-Just-Want-To-Be-Loved Dib: Well…so?

Paranormal Investigator Dib: SO? You've got to capture him! Show the world!

Lonely, I-Just-Want-To-Be-Loved Dib: But –but _friendship_! I've never had one of those! Can't I just _try_ it?

Paranormal Investigator Dib: Are you crazy? He's an alien! He's going to take over the world!

Lonely, I-Just-Want-To-Be-Loved Dib: Oh, you don't know that…

Zim: When I take over your world, you'll PAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!

(a silence)

Lonely, I-Just-Want-To-Be-Loved Dib: Oh…

Paranormal Investigator Dib: Yeah, OH.

Lonely, I-Just-Want-To-Be-Loved Dib: Fuck you.

And with that, Dib began his battle against Zim, pushing aside his feelings to pursue his destiny –saving humanity, despite its apparent intent on being destroyed. But those feelings were still there, lying dormant inside of him, ready to burst out of his chest the instant it seemed as though Zim might be letting up on his quest to take over Earth. And here they were now –standing in the doorway, kissing. And God, just _God_, was it wonderful. A little awkward, but still, just wonderful. There was nothing Dib wanted more in the world at that moment than to just stand there forever, kissing him, feeling his slender arms around his neck, his body pressed up against his, the chill air outside contrasting with the heat inside of him, his_ lips_ on _his_ –

…But no.

It wouldn't last.

No matter how much he wanted it to, it wouldn't.

Why?

Because things like this simply did not happen in real life.

He slowly pulled away from Zim, and tried to calm his breathing. "Wow," he said, and meant it too. "Wow."

"Yes, yes, it is very 'wow'," Zim replied, straightening his wig. "Now –"

Dib pulled the alien to him mid-sentence and kissed him hard, sliding his tongue into Zim's open mouth before he had a chance to shut it.

_"Mmmmphhh!"_

Zim struggled ferociously, but Dib held on tight for a few more moments before finally letting go.

"Something wrong?" he asked sweetly.

"Blech!" Zim spat to the side. "What –what the hell was that?"

"Um, a kiss? Isn't that what we were doing?"

"That –you –I –" He calmed himself. "_I _kissed you," Zim continued. "_You _…VIOLATED me!"

_Don't get me started on 'violation', Zim. _"I don't know what you're talking about," Dib replied. "That's how humans kiss."

"It is NOT!"

"Don't you think I would know, Zim? I _am_ a human, after all."

Zim crossed his arms."Fine! But I do not want to kiss any more, and I don't want to kiss like THAT ever again."

Dib sighed. "Zim, how stupid do you think I am?"

"Do you want me to answer that question?" Dib glared at him."I mean, I love you, you're not stupid at all," Zim replied, choking a bit on the last part of the sentence.

"Cut the crap. I know you're not really in love with me."

"What! Of course I am."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Zim paused. "Why?" he repeated.

"Yeah, Zim. Why do you love me?"

He stared at the sky for a long time. "I don't know," he finally answered. "I just…do."

"Oh, come on," Dib cajoled. "You must have _some _reason."

"Well…" Zim scratched his head. "I suppose because you're" –he coughed –"attractive."

"Attractive!"

"Yes…"

"And what about me is…attractive?"

"Umm…" Zim trailed off. "Uhh…"

"Well?" Dib demanded.

"Your…big…head."

Dib stared at him. "Surely you can't be serious."

"I am quite serious. And I am not SHIRLEY! I am _Zim._"

"What? No. I mean –" he paused. "My head?"

"Yes… it is very attractive… in its…bigness."

They were both silent for a long, long time.

"Look," Dib finally said. "Just go home, ok? Your plan, whatever it was, failed. I know you're not in love with me, and I'm –" he hesitated for a moment, then finished –"not in love with you. So just go home, and we won't talk about this ever again. Ok?"

Zim said nothing for a while, just stood there glaring at him. Then he snatched the flowers from Dib's hands and stormed away.

Dib watched him go until he was completely out of sight before shutting the door. _Damn it, _he thought to himself. _Damn it, damn it, damn it. _

…_~…_

Gaz glanced up as Dib entered the room. _Idiot, _she thought to herself for no particular reason.

"Who was that?" she asked, going back to her game. Pow! Killed three more vampire pigs.

Dib paused, as if remembering what had happened two seconds ago required all his effort. "No one. Just the paperboy."

Gaz raised an eyebrow. "At one in the morning?"

Her stupid brother hesitated. "He was…confused."

"Hmm."

"I set him straight, though."

"Okay."

There was a pause. Dib took a handful of chips from the bowl she had gotten from the kitchen a few minutes ago. She debated the merits of smacking him, then decided to let it go.

"So," she said, as she dispatched a horde of pigs to virtual pig hell.

"So," he agreed.

"I didn't know you were gay."

Dib began coughing violently. He clutched at his throat. Gaz calmly finished the level, hit 'save', then pounded on her brother's back as hard as she could. Chewed-up bits of chip sprayed out onto the rug, and she wrinkled up her nose in disgust.

"Thanks," Dib remarked. "I don't know what you're talking about," he added.

"I saw you when I passed by to get in the kitchen."

"Oh."

"It was gross," she informed him.

"Oh." He swallowed. "Well, you know, I'm not really gay. I was just…pretending."

"Mm-hmm." She began the next level.

"Yeah."

A swarm of vampire pigs crawled out of the virtual toilet. She checked her weapons, chose an AK-47 and blew the pigs to bits.

"Um, Gaz?"

It was her stupid brother's voice, which she would have ignored were it not for the odd tone it had this time. She looked up. He was staring at the television set, his eyes shining. She tilted her head. Were those…tears? She couldn't tell.

"Could you… please… not tell anyone about what you saw?" he said in a small voice.

Those _were_ tears. She quickly looked back at her gaming device.

"Maybe," she muttered. "What's in it for me?"

"Um…I don't know. What do you want?"

"Buy me Game Slave 3 next month," she immediately replied.

"OK. Deal."

"The deluxe edition."

"Fine!" He stuck out his hand.

She looked at it in disgust. "I don't want to _touch_ you."

"Oh." He took it back. "Um, thank you," he continued.

She grunted. "Go away."

He stayed put for a moment, then got up and left.

She waited until she heard his door close before she allowed herself a smile. She minimized the game, then went to the 'Video' section of her gaming device, and pressed 'play' on the most recent entry.

_"ZIM!"_

_"I am Zim!"_

She let out a low chuckle. "Blackmail."

Stupid Dib.

…~…

"STUPID DIB!"

Zim stomped through the streets, fuming. "Stupid DIB with his stupid GLASSES and his stupid HEAD and his stupid…STUPIDNESS!" he yelled at the world in general, causing people to shrink away. "I was _romantic. _I was _love-y._ So why did I fail?"

He stopped on his front lawn, turning to a lady who was getting out of her car next door. "WHY?" he demanded of her. She ran into the house, locking the door.

Grumbling to himself, he strode up to his door and tried to open it. It was locked. "GIR!" he screeched.

Gir's face appeared at the window. "Yyyyeeeeeeessss?"

"Open the door!"

Gir bit his lip, as well as a robot could. "But…you said not to let anyone in…"

"You can let ME in, GIR!"

"Are you suuuuureee?"

"YES!"

"Okeydokey!"

The door opened. "Hi!" Gir said, waving.

Zim brushed past him without saying a word.

"Did you have fuuuuuuun?" the robot inquired.

"No!"

"Awww…"

Zim collapsed on the couch. "It didn't work. The Dib-boy figured it out." He closed his eyes, then opened one to peer at Gir. "Did you manage to reach the Tallest, by any chance?"

Gir blinked. "Was I supposed to?"

"Arrghh!" He leapt off the couch. "I'm going down to the base to try to hail them again."

"Are you going to tell them about your plan?"

"No, I –think that can wait until after I've found a more worthy candidate. No need to bore the Tallest with my…setbacks."

"Mmm…ok." Gir began chewing on one of the table legs.

"GIR! Stop that! And stay up here while I'm down there. I don't want you embarrassing me in front of the Tallest like last time."

"Last time…" Gir stared off into space, as if lost in a flashback.

"Pay attention, Gir! STAY HERE. Understand?"

The robot saluted him. "BACON!" he crowed.

"Good!" He paused as he climbed into the trashcan. "I guess."

The last thing Zim heard as the lid closed was Gir's maniacal giggle.


End file.
